Life has always played this game of "balancing act" with me. I get some good things happening in my life which are compensated by somethings worse. But the bad part is that it never happens vice versa. Nothing good happens as a compensation effect in my life.
I have an update for all. I was working with Ogilvy PR in Chennai earlier. But things did not go well and I ultimately had to resign. Was upset also because I had to leave such a big brand beacuse of a bitch boss. Had to wait for two months before I could get something else. And finally I am very happy to inform all that I have joined the grand company McKinsey & Company.
But as Fernando (a friend in Chennai) said, “Is this the way you celebrate your happiness”? I asked why he felt that way. He said that he could very easily find no trace of excitement in my voice. I said that’s true because that’s how I have become. If I seem like celebrating or enjoying something, it's an acting talent of mine. I always act. I guess it has become a part of my life. Because I lost all the excitement in life around three years back after an incident in my life which I will disclose on this blog only before the day I die. And Fernando got very pissed off.
The compensation theory has worked this time too. In fact, it has worked with a much higher degree than ever. I guess it only had to. Since the company is so big, the bang in my life also had to be big. Recently something happened that opened my eyes to something that had happened in the past. It has left me so broken and shattered that I have started hating myself. It has taken off my sleep since days and that is why I am writing this blog at 3:30 a.m. getting out of my bed after losing the battle with sleep. Suddenly I have lost my own respect in my own eyes. I am so shattered. The theories and principles that I used to believe in, have started seeming so empty. I feel exploited, used to the fullest. I feel like a rape victim - feel like the creepiest, dirty-most insect in the shittiest of the gutter. Mind you, I have not been molested ever. Just personifying things. I have a question for God. Was this much of suffering really required to make the man out of me?
Anyway, I am living with these truths, that everyday try their level best not to let that smile stay on my face.
I feel blurred, not able to figure things out. Really tired of surviving just for the sake of surviving. Really doubt if there is God, although I believe so much in him. Have I done so much of wrong? What a punishment. I can’t breathe. Feels like I am drowning in an ocean. An ocean which has no way out. No air - no air.
I wish I could rewind time, go back and change certain things. But I know I can’t. I will have to live with this, throughout my life and probably after that too. But I promise to myself, console myself that if there is any existence of a ghost or a spirit then some people’s lives are going to be a great mess. I promise to myself today that I take the responsibility of making their lives worse and make them plead like I am doing right now. I will make sure that this happens.
“All is my heart out, nothing is a lie….
For one reason I have lived and for the same I’ll die….”
