sMALL iNCIDENT bT mADE mE fEEL sO sPECIAL

i wAS mOVING aROUND iN aN aUTORIKSHAW tODAY iN CHENNAI. mANY oF yOU mAY bE aWARE tHAT CHENNAI hAS A bURNING hOT cLIMATE tHESE dAYS. i wAS dRINKING wATER fROM A mINERAL wATER bOTTLE & fOR d sAKE oF hUMANITY I oFFERED iT tO tHE aUTORIKSHAW dRIVER tOO tHINKING tHAT hE tOO mIGHT bE tHIRSTY. hE dENIED wITH A sMILE. aFTER A sECOND hE rEPLIED, "sIR yOU rEALLY hAVE A bIG hEART." fEELING a lITTLE cONFUSED i aSKED hIM wHAT hE mEANT. hE sAID, "I aM dRIVING sINCE aLMOST lAST 15 yEARS nOW. pEOPLE cOME iN wITH wHAT nOT iN mY rIKSHAW - bURGERS, sWEETS, pASTRIES, cOLD dRINKS, eTC. aND wATER fOR sURE. bUT nONE eVEN cARED hOW I wOULD fEEL iF tHEY eAT tHOSE tHINGS sITTING rIGHT aT tHE bACK wITH aLL tHE sMELL tRAVELLING rIGHT tHROUGH mY nOSE tO mY sTOMACH. tHROUGHOUT mY cAREER oF dRIVING, yOU hAVE bEEN tHE fIRST pERSON, wHO fELT tHAT eVEN I cOULD bE tHIRSTY iN sUCH hIGH tEMPERATURES. GOD BLESS YOU."

hOW hAPPY mAKING aND hONORING tHAT sTATEMENT wAS. hOW sATISFYING wAS tHAT iNDEED. rEALLY. iT gAVE mE A fEELING, aREN'T tHESE sMALL rEASONS, GOD hAS kEPT mE aLIVE fOR.

tHIS iS A lITTLE sTRANGE tOO. 'cOZ gENERALLY aUTORIKSHAW dRIVERS aRE rUDE, mANNERLESS aND rASCALS iN CHENNAI. bUT tHIS oNE wAS rEALLY gENEROUS, vERY kIND. aT lEAST, hE aCKNOWLEDGED sOMETHING.

wHAT lESSON I wOULD sHARE fROM tHIS iNCIDENT iS tHAT iF yOU tRY dOING tHESE sMALL tHINGS fOR oTHERS, yOU'LL rEALIZE wHAT sELF-sATISFACTION mEANS. i jUST cANNOT mENTION iT iN wORDS. yOU'LL hAVE tO eXPERIENCE iT fOR yOURSELF.

wE aLL lIVE fOR oURSELVES. tRY lIVING fOR oTHERS, jUST oNCE. dO iT fOR A dAY, fOR A mOMENT (oTHER tHAN fOR yOUR bOYFRIEND/gIRLFRIEND oFCOURSE ;) ) aND sEE wHAT yOUR lIFE eVOLVES iNTO.

sPREAD sMILE... sPREAD lOVE

rEMEMBERING cHUCKY

As I have already said in a previous post of mine, I have always found this compensation theory running in my life. So on one hand there is this bangingly happy news of Sis getting wedded and on the other hand it is about Chucky who has left me, Mummy, and Sis all alone for the rest of our lives. Chucky is no more with us. Chucky – my CAT. Some people may think it to be kiddish, but only my family knows how it feels. 'Coz she has never been only a pet to us. She was or actually is a family. Closest to Mom. She likes to sleep with us in the quilt, in the chilling winters of Varanasi. Morning she has to have a bowl of milk or else she shakes the hell out of us, only like an innocent kid – licking our foreheads when we stayed fast asleep.

And such a coward she is that she can't even catch a mouse. Chuckoo, I can still feel your warmth. I have carried you like my baby. Mummy, Soni (sis). Everybody has. You have not gone anywhere, and this ain't no philosophy.

Mum is always gonna hear your answers, that you used to give in your meow voice, to her questions. Baby I know you were suffering a lot, and none of us could get the fortune of serving you due to the situational constraints. The restlessness that I felt whenever I used to leave alone when you were a kid, is something that is beyond explanation.

I miss those cuddly plays that we both used to play, and how you used to hate getting your teeth brushed being a kid.

Baby, I just wish I had a chance to hold you in my arms, close to my heart, like I used to do, for one last time...

I LOVE YOU... MUMMY LOVES YOU... DIDI LOVES YOU...

YOU ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE REMEMBERED AS THE LOVELIEST FAMILY MEMBER WE HAVE EVER HAD...

REST IN PEACE BABY...

bROKEN aND sHATTERED

Life has always played this game of "balancing act" with me. I get some good things happening in my life which are compensated by somethings worse. But the bad part is that it never happens vice versa. Nothing good happens as a compensation effect in my life.
I have an update for all. I was working with Ogilvy PR in Chennai earlier. But things did not go well and I ultimately had to resign. Was upset also because I had to leave such a big brand beacuse of a bitch boss. Had to wait for two months before I could get something else. And finally I am very happy to inform all that I have joined the grand company McKinsey & Company.
But as Fernando (a friend in Chennai) said, “Is this the way you celebrate your happiness”? I asked why he felt that way. He said that he could very easily find no trace of excitement in my voice. I said that’s true because that’s how I have become. If I seem like celebrating or enjoying something, it's an acting talent of mine. I always act. I guess it has become a part of my life. Because I lost all the excitement in life around three years back after an incident in my life which I will disclose on this blog only before the day I die. And Fernando got very pissed off.

The compensation theory has worked this time too. In fact, it has worked with a much higher degree than ever. I guess it only had to. Since the company is so big, the bang in my life also had to be big. Recently something happened that opened my eyes to something that had happened in the past. It has left me so broken and shattered that I have started hating myself. It has taken off my sleep since days and that is why I am writing this blog at 3:30 a.m. getting out of my bed after losing the battle with sleep. Suddenly I have lost my own respect in my own eyes. I am so shattered. The theories and principles that I used to believe in, have started seeming so empty. I feel exploited, used to the fullest. I feel like a rape victim - feel like the creepiest, dirty-most insect in the shittiest of the gutter. Mind you, I have not been molested ever. Just personifying things. I have a question for God. Was this much of suffering really required to make the man out of me?

Anyway, I am living with these truths, that everyday try their level best not to let that smile stay on my face.

I feel blurred, not able to figure things out. Really tired of surviving just for the sake of surviving. Really doubt if there is God, although I believe so much in him. Have I done so much of wrong? What a punishment. I can’t breathe. Feels like I am drowning in an ocean. An ocean which has no way out. No air - no air.

I wish I could rewind time, go back and change certain things. But I know I can’t. I will have to live with this, throughout my life and probably after that too. But I promise to myself, console myself that if there is any existence of a ghost or a spirit then some people’s lives are going to be a great mess. I promise to myself today that I take the responsibility of making their lives worse and make them plead like I am doing right now. I will make sure that this happens.

“All is my heart out, nothing is a lie….
For one reason I have lived and for the same I’ll die….”